LEADERSHIP THOUGHTS: 8

More great "stuff" from the Happiness Project....


Nine Tips for Giving Memorable Praise--and Why To Bother

I just finished a very engaging book, Richard Stengel’s You're Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery. I wish I’d had this book as a resource when I was writing my first book, Power Money Fame Sex. It’s a treasure trove of anecdotes and observations about flattery – a topic which comes up with some frequency when you’re writing about money, power, fame, and sex.

The book is history and social criticism, but at the end, Stengel includes a list called “How to flatter without getting caught.”

To put flattery in a happier context, I adapted his list to focus on giving good praise rather than flattery. Now, what’s the difference between flattery and praise? Flattery is strategic; it’s praise given for a self-serving reason. But many of the same rules apply:

1. Be specific. Vague praise doesn’t make much of an impression.

2. Find a way to praise sincerely. It’s a rare situation where you can’t identify something that you honestly find praiseworthy.

3. Never offer praise and ask for a favor in the same conversation. It makes the praise seem like a set-up.

4. Don’t over-praise. Keep it credible and realistic.

5. Look for something less obvious to praise – a more obscure accomplishment or quality that a person hasn’t heard praised many times before.

6. Don’t hesitate to praise people who get a lot of praise already. I’ve noticed this myself; even people who get constant praise – or perhaps especially people who get constant praise – crave praise. Is this because praiseworthy people are often insecure? Or does getting praise lead to a need for more praise? I’m not sure, but it seems often to be the case.

7. Praise people behind their backs. The praised person usually hears about the praise, and behind-the-back praise seems more sincere than face-to-face praise.

8. Beware when a person asks for your honest opinion. This is often a clue that they're seeking reassurance, not candor.

9. Don’t damn with faint praise. “You were so lousy when you started, you’ve really come a long way” or “You did a much better job than I expected” is not praise that will warm people’s hearts.

TRAGEDY

It seems there is a serial killer on the loose in Gaffney, SC (about an hour from my hometown). This past week, he killed a lady and her mother (story below). I worked with Gena as her Guidance Counselor a few years ago. I'm shocked.... I've never known someone to be murdered. It is a tragedy and I understand that 4 people have been killed this week, including a teenage girl.



Calhoun Academy teacher, mother found shot to death
By Rick Spruill
Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Two people were found shot to death at a home at 114 Buck Shoals Road in the northwest corner of Cherokee County.


Investigators from the Cherokee County Sheriff's Office, Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division converged at 114 Buck Shoals Road in the northwest corner of Cherokee County on Wednesday afternoon after two people were found shot to death inside.


Cherokee County Sheriff Bill Blanton is asking for the public's help in investigating Wednesday's shooting at a home in the northwest corner of Cherokee County. A blue van of unknown make and model was seen leaving the home's driveway at about 3 p.m., about 30 minutes before the bodies were found.


GAFFNEY — Anderson School District Five officials are mourning the loss of a Calhoun Academy of the Arts teacher who was found bound and shot, along with her mother, in a Cherokee home Wednesday afternoon.

Betty Bagley, Anderson School District Five superintendent, said Cherokee County sheriff’s officials had identified one of the two women as Gena Linda Parker, a third-grade teacher at the academy in Anderson.

Cherokee County neighbors said Hazel Linder and Gena, her daughter, were found by Gena’s husband, Scott Parker. Scott Parker is a former T.L. Hanna High School football coach, and is now an assistant principal at Ninety-Six High School in Greenwood County.

Cody Sossaman, editor of the Gaffney Ledger newspaper, said he lives near Linder on Buck Shoals Road.

He said the discovery of Linder and Parker following the shooting death of 63-year-old Kline Wilson Cash, who lived on Battleground Road, had the neighborhood “worried and scared.” The two homes are about six miles apart.

Cash was found by his wife after being shot Saturday evening in his home. Both houses have “Hay for Sale” signs in the yards.

Officials have declined to speculate about a connection between the signs and the killings.

“We don’t live very far from Hazel,” Sossaman said. “She’s just a nice lady. I can’t imagine how or why this has happened.”

Bagley said, “We’ve lost a wonderful, master teacher in Gena. She was always enthusiastic, caring, and loving, both for her children and for her school. She was the same person, year after year after year. She was enthusiastic, and very strong in her faith.”

Mary Michaels of Gaffney, who taught Gena Linder and Scott Parker at Gaffney High School, said both were extremely popular and loved as High School students.

“Gena and Scott, they were two of the finest. He played football here.”

“They were very involved in the school. I know Gena was a member of the Beta Club. They were very popular and extremely well thought of. We in Gaffney followed his career at Hanna because we thought so much of him.”

OLE SAN ANTONE

LEADERSHIP THOUGHTS: 7

I love the Fourteen Tips for Running a Good Meeting, from The Happiness Project:

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/


Nothing can drain the happiness from you faster than a long, unproductive meeting. You’re bored; you’re not getting anything done; emails are piling up while you sit, trapped.

On the other hand, a productive meeting is exhilarating. A long time ago, when I was working in Washington, D.C., I remember a friend who worked at the Department of Justice saying, “Jamie Gorelick runs a meeting so well, it brings tears to my eyes.”

Meetings come in all shapes and sizes, so not all of these strategies will be useful, but here are some things I try to remember when I’m in or running a meeting:

1. Very obvious: Start on time, and end on time. Once people see that meetings are starting late, the bad habit builds, because people see there’s no point in showing up promptly. Here's one solution for late starts: a friend worked at a law firm that started fining partners $100 if they were late to a meeting, which turned out to be very effective. If the meeting has to run long, say, “We’re not through with the seven points, so can everyone stay fifteen extra minutes to wrap up?” That way, people know that the end is in sight.

2. At the same time, remember that it’s helpful to spend a little time in chit-chat. For a long time, I didn’t believe this to be true, and I tried to be hyper-efficient, but now I realize that it’s important – and productive – for people to have a chance to relate on a personal level. People need to build friendships, they need a chance to show their personalities, they need to establish rapport. Meetings are very important for this process.

3. If some people hesitate to jump in, find a way to draw them out. Ability to grab the floor doesn’t necessarily correlate with capacity to contribute.

4. One of the most insightful things my father ever told me was, “If you’re willing to take the blame, people will give you the responsibility.” Meetings often involve blame-giving and blame-taking, and although it’s not pleasant to accept blame, it’s a necessary aspect of getting responsibility (if deserved, of course). Proving my father’s point, one of my best meeting experiences ever was a time when I took the blame – rightly – for something done by a team of people working with me. Doing this ended up dramatically increasing my organizational credibility on all sides.

5. Share the credit. Along with blame, a meeting is also a great place to give people credit for their ideas and accomplishments. Be quick to point out great work or to call for a round of applause for a colleague. For some reason, people often act as though credit is a zero-sum goody, and if they share credit, they’ll get less themselves. From what I’ve seen, sharing credit not only doesn’t diminish the number of gold stars you get, but adds to them – because people so admire the ability to give credit. (Gold star junkie that I am, I pay close attention in this area.)

6. Making people feel stupid isn’t productive, and it isn’t kind. A friend has a good suggestion: “Be cheerfully, impersonally decisive.”

7. Have an agenda and stick to it. If possible, circulate the agenda in advance, along with anything else that needs to be read to prepare for the meeting. Make sure people know if they should bring anything. Along the same lines…

8. Never go to a meeting if you don’t know why you’re supposed to be there! This seems obvious, but it’s a situation that arises surprisingly frequently.

9. Standing meetings should be kept as short as possible and very structured. Have rules for canceling the meeting when appropriate – if such-and-such doesn’t happen; if only a certain number of people can attend, etc.

10. Don't say things that will undermine or antagonize other people. Turns out they do in fact notice this, and they don't appreciate it. If you wonder if you're an offender, check yourself against this list.

11. Be very specific about what the “action items” are (to use the business-school term). Who is agreeing to do what, by when? Make sure someone is keeping track of what is supposed to happen as a consequence of the meeting, and at the meeting’s end, review these items so it’s crystal clear to everyone. Follow up by email.

12. If a meeting is long, schedule breaks when people can check their email and phones. Otherwise, they get very distracted by feeling they’ve been out of touch for too long (for some people, this takes about ten minutes), and they start sneakily emailing under the table. As if no one will notice. Which they do.

13. Meetings should stay tightly focused. If people want a chance to discuss side issues, theoretical problems, or philosophical questions that aren’t relevant to the purpose of the meeting, they should set up a separate meeting.

14. Here’s a radical solution: no chairs. In Bob Sutton’s terrific book, The No A**** Rule, (printed that way not out of prudery but to avoid spamblockers), he points to a study that showed that people in meetings where everyone stood took 34% less time to make an assigned decision, with decisions that were just as good as those made by groups who were sitting down.

LA REVEDERE

Leaving our Bucharest apartment for the last time..... a memorable moment for us all!

LONG LOST ANDREEA

Lisa has missed her greatly and we never thought we'd see her again.... and God planned it out to see her sister, then get a call from Andreea! If you knew us "back then in Timi," then you know how much we love her. We got to see her and get updated... she's planning to marry, has a good job, and is really doing well. We were all VERY proud of her!

THE BIRDS!

For as long as we lived in Romania, the girls dreamed of finally catching a pigeon after chasing one! We spent countless hours in "the center" of Timisoara chasing them.... finally, on our last day there a few weeks ago, the girls got COVERED in pigeons. A man was there with food and he shared it and they flocked to us!

FAREWELL TIMISOARA..... UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN!

Our unofficial "hometown" of Timisoara, Romania holds many, many memories for our family. Mikie and Emma spent a big part of early childhood here and we learned a lot about life in this place. Here are a few shots while we recently visited.... you'll see the beautiful city, the "popcorn lady" from behind our old apartment, and many of the things we loved.

GIVE AND IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU.....

We were blessed to be able to give away most of our furniture to Romanian families.... God had generously provided for our needs while in Romania through other people and we wanted to return the blessing to others. Here are some shots of the "loading up" of much of our furnishings that we shared with a sweet family in Bucharest.

SAN ANTONIO

So much to take in, and so much to say! We are looking around and are amazed at the beauty of it all here. Right now, we're in the "Hill Country," a hilly, scrubby place where stones, cactus, and mesquite trees abound. We've smelled eucalyptus trees as we rode down the highway with he windows open. We've eaten delicious Mexican food. We've even (literally) stumbled across our first scorpion in the living room floor!

We have pictures from our recent time in Timisora that we'll post soon and then we'll begin to document this new adventure.

SAYING GOODBYE TO RAOUL.... AGAIN

This is posted on YouTube, a tribute to the four friends who died in the car accident in Timisoara. If you watch, youțll see Raoul and all his smiles as well as the burning car they died in.

We spent the afternoon with Raoulțs parents.... said goodbye. We got to go in his old bedroom and look at his things. It was sad and sweet, all together.

ROMANIA PAST